You know this morning i am sitting here cutting out little farm animal shapes for my visual aid for my lesson I am going to teach first and second graders. It occurred to me that it is so much fun doing this task. How many people can say that in college they get to cut and paste, and color and draw like you were in Elementary school again. And I think I am especially lucky because I get to sing songs like old McDonald, Itsy Bitsy spider, Wheels on the bus and if your happy and you know it, making children laugh and have fun.
Oh it is so fulfilling. I love being a Music Education Major...It really takes me back to when i am learning these songs and just make me happy once again. It is amazing what little thing can bring you such joy in your life.Well I have been keeping very busy with school and life. I have been taking my tests to see if i have learning disabilities. I think all this testing has really started to make me sad and depressed. A lot of old suppressed feelings, that i have kept to my self all these years, of frustration, self put downs, loneliness has resurfaced. Lets just say that these tests are really making me feel stupid because I am not able to finish them and especially in the numerical test i had to take yesterday, I did not know the answers so i just guessed on them. I also started to fall asleep during one of them. That is what happens when I have to read a lot with out my new little blueish gray overlays. It is very stressful and scary for me to find out if I do have any learning disabilities because right now I fell like I have missed out on so much and I have to relearn everything over again. but I can stop being so hard on my self for not being able to to the work like I am suppose to be doing and get help. I just feel like I am always behind in school and I can never catch up let alone be ahead of the game. I feel dumb when I have to read out loud because it takes me forever to pronounce words and comprehend them. I will read something and have no clue what the meaning is of what i just read. It takes me twice as much time to get anything accomplished and I am just sick of it. I am just confused and feel very helpless and dumb most of the time. Especially when I am in a class full of smart people and they just start going off on the subject and I am left in the dust still trying to figure out what 2+2 is. it is frustrating and it has been that way all my life. My teacher would say that I am lazy or i will get it eventually. They would pass me because I was a good kid even though I could not do my multiplications or division, spell words, read very well, or could not comprehend what I read. It is really sad. I got good at observing people and what they said so that I can learn what the assignment was. I remember faking that I was reading the books in Elementary, Middle and part of High school. I think I really started to read entire books when I was in 11th grade. that is really pathetic. To be honest I still suck at spelling, don't know how to do simple math like multiplication or division. These basics I am lacking have made it really difficult to be successful in life let alone in college. I keep getting the stress from my teachers that I better start to kick up my level of work because "I am going to be a teacher after all." which is true but it is hard to run a marathon when you can not even walk yet. Right now I feel like I am still at the still stumbling over and falling down stage when I should be at the training to run the marathon. If that makes any sense.
Last week I told my cello teacher that I was getting tested for learning disabilities and I told her about the Scotopic thing. she told me "that would explains why your school work is at the level that it is at." That is sad that she has noticed something like that when she has not really seen my school work, but yet she had not even talked to me about it. I do not know. well i better study some more for my test in my Humans and other Animals class--I wish i did not have to re-take that class over again. pray that I do better on this test than last semester.~Manda Panda
Last week I told my cello teacher that I was getting tested for learning disabilities and I told her about the Scotopic thing. she told me "that would explains why your school work is at the level that it is at." That is sad that she has noticed something like that when she has not really seen my school work, but yet she had not even talked to me about it. I do not know. well i better study some more for my test in my Humans and other Animals class--I wish i did not have to re-take that class over again. pray that I do better on this test than last semester.~Manda Panda
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