will it ever end?

Hey friends and family-

Sorry if i have not been around to talk to you all. Like usual I have been very busy and stressed out up here at school. A lot has been going on, but all is well. Lack of sleep has entered my life once more and I am starting to feel like a walking zombie, oblivious to the world around me. there is just not enough time in the day to do everything i want to do. I have had a lot to say to people but just not enough time to say it. so i am going to write it all down here in my blog fair warning that this is going to be long.

I have given up Facebook for lent. So no Facebook until Easter. :) It has been a week and I am starting to get over the fact that I am having facebook withdrawals. Yes it is sad but true that I am a facebook addict. It is one form that I have been able to socialize with my friends because of my busy schedule. However, life with out facebook has been nice. I have found that I have a little more time to do my Homework well and that is about it... I am on myspcae too but that is not as fun as facebook in my opinion.

I have been working part time at the front desk at my dorm very early in the morning twice a week. Yes I get the wonderful 4-8am shift. But I do not mind because it is very quite at that time and I get to work on my homework after I finish my desk duties that take about 30 min. if even that to do.

But i have been doing some cool things at school. In my ED 475 class (Elementary music Methods) I have not only been learning how to teach elementary school kids but i actually get to teach them. That is right. I am teaching 1/2nd grade class at the Lab School for creative learning every Friday for 45min all by my self. At first I was extremely scared of teaching these kids because I did not know what to do. But last week was my 2nd time with them and it went so much better than the previous week. They kids were having fun and learning and this was quite enjoyable to be apart of.

Teaching is a lot of work. It is a lot of work to come up with your lesson plan, what you are going to teach, how you are going to do it, how you are going to handle kids who misbehave and reward the ones that are being good. Also the time it takes to come up with visual aids is a lot but I still think that it is fun. Like I said in one of my previous blogs how many people can say that they get to do arts and crafts at work, play and have fun while teaching future generations life skills and enjoyment.

I have been beginning to think that in life you have to pay attention to details to be successful at different tasks. For me a lot of times I ignore the details and look at things as a whole. So I have been trying to practice working on the details and I have been getting caught up in all the extra work and I have not had down time to have fun. Which i have become to realize that having down time to have fun is an important element in life.

besides teaching I have other classes that are interesting. I have Orchestration where I am learning how to take music and arrange it for other instrumentation. this is also time consuming i think, but quite enjoyable because I know that this skill will be quite handy in the future and I can start to arrange pieces for the different ensembles that I am in. I am in Conducting class, where I am learning how to conduct ensembles. Now I have a lot of respect for conductors. Conducting is quite challenging because like any art form you have to have proper technique to become efficient and knowledgeable about what you are doing. I think I am improving quite a bit on this subject but I still wish I had more time to practice at have independent left and right hand motions. you try this move your right hand up and down fast and with your left hand move it right to left slowly at the same time....it is hard huh?

I have a cello pedagogy class where I am learning how to teach the cello I think... we have just been reading a book called cello technique that talks in detail about how to play the cello. it is interesting book but very detailed. I think this week we get to start to learn about the Suzuki method of teaching (which is a method of teaching young kids how to play music when they are like 3 and up)- I was taught this method when I started to take private lessons in 9th grade up until 12th grade. And I am excited because i get to see my old cello teacher for the first time in 4 years this semester because she is an expert here in Colorado on how to teach this method. :) her name is Carol Tarr.

I am in my last core class ever!! I had to re-take humans and other animals (biology class) because I did not understand what we were doing last semester. It is going better this semester. I have a test this Friday. So I am aiming to get a B on that test.

That leaves me to talk about all of my ensembles. I am in 4 music ensembles plus cello lessons (solo music stuff)--yes that is a lot of music to learn. I am in steel band (we have a concert next week in Brighton by the way), Symphonic Orchestra (which I believe that I got demoted on my chair standings :( . I have been kind of bummed about that but it seems like people are not really saying much about this for some reason but I am no fool) I have not had orchestra since the opera in the beginning of Feb. I am on a break until March 20th so that has been nice because i have been able to practice for steel band and trio rehearsals at a decent time, I am in the best Trio ever (ACME trio-we are playing this cool/difficult piece by Beethoven that is really taking shape), and I am playing the Viola in concert orchestra. now this is a new experience for me to play viola but I am really enjoying it. I also get to conduct a piece in that ensemble. :)
I also have my private lessons stuff. I am getting ready for my Senior recital that I am going to have next Fall semester hopefully. I am learning a cello sonata by Bach, and i just got in my music for Bartock Romanian Dances. :) I will also get to learn how to play Elegie, Op.24- I am not sure who it is by but it is a really beautiful cello piece.

so that is all the stuff that I am faced with every day... It never ends...It is now the middle of the semester and that can only mean that mid-terms are coming up. I have 5 midterms this semester and I am not looking forward to any of them...

In my little free time that I have, I am eating lunch/dinner (if i am lucky), chipping away at my endless amount of HW, Practicing for something, doing HW while catching up with my roommate and that is about it...Do you see a pattern? I am lucky that my teacher canceled class this morning because I have been able to sit here are write about how stressed and unhappy I have been. Yes that is right I am unhappy because I have too much on my plate. but that is something that I am having to work out for my self. I am like a river who is slowly carving a way to be successful...

I have loved going home on the weekends because it has been my escape from all the stuff I have up here at school. I am happy and i feel stronger when i am with my family and when I come up here it is back to the same old thing week after week... but I am learning new and exciting things--I think i was more excited about school my first 2 years here. I remember going home and telling my family about all the cool things I have heard and saw and learned. but now I go home and I just sleep and focus on what is happening on in the moment. some times I will tell them what is going on in my day but not everything because I feel like i can not remember all that goes on because my brain is overworked and I just want to rest. I am hoping to find a way back to my old self and just be happy again and not have a care in the world to worry about.
So now you have gotten a glimpse at what I spend my time doing and why I am not around/very social lately. Sorry about that. I hope you are all having a better time than I am right now. If you want maybe you can join me in for a run or something fun...I need a break

~Manda Panda

Insperation

Today I had a fantastic day. Great cello lesson, I understood what was going on in class for once, excellent trio rehearsal and I attended the First Generation Scholarship banquet. while i was sitting there listening to all the speakers stories why family was important to them it really made me think about something Jeanette said to me this morning.
I was telling her that I have never had a boyfriend before because I have really focused on school and my music to reach my dream of teaching. she basically told me that I am accomplishing my goal and that i should be an Elementary school teacher because I am bubbly.

well, I have come to the conclusion that I know that my life has been a struggle and I am not good at a lot of things but one thing I can say that I am proud of is the fact that I am getting the opportunity to realize my dream. This is Amazing! I have been really stressed out and nervous about tomorrow (Friday). I have to go to the lab school and teach first and second graders (class size 15 students) about music for 45 min all by my self. My teacher is not even going to be there really. But Right now I am really excited to teach tomorrow because I get to share something that I love and I know they love for 45 min. What an amazing thing to do. I get to be apart of that little person's life and leave an imprint of the joy of music. It is just such a wonderful though.

I was also thinking of how much people can affect other people's lives. By sharing a little part of life and experiences to others, gives them the opportunity to take that information, learn what they can from it, grow from that experience and keep it with them to help form their ideas of life. So many people have been apart of my life. I appreciate all that they have given me. it has helped me become the person who I am. For this there is not enough thank yous and I love yous in the world to express how much you all mean to me.

~Manda Panda

Happy Valentines day

I wanted to with you all a Happy Valentines day.

I feel like a zombie today....
i stayed up till almost midnight doing hw and woke up 5 hrs later to finish. so i am a bit tired today and not functioning very well.

I just want you all to know how amazing and wonderful my sister Joy is. she saw that I have been kind of worn out and sad so for valentines day she sent me a care package with all kinds of goodies for me. It is so sweet of her to think of me. I just loved everything that was inside the package and it made my day just that much better. everything in this picture is what she got me except the blue and yellow books. that is my music that i got in the mail yesterday too. I just got excited. I love my sister so much and I consider my self lucky to have her in my life. so to you my sister thank you times a million for all that you do for me. you are very special to me.

well i am going back to my hw that never ends. (bang head on desk) and i am in class till 8:30pm. then possibly drew Barrymore movie? or bed..bed sounds nice... have an amazing day. love you all-Manda panda

Oh where oh where is my Valentine?

Hello--2 days until Valentines day and I still do not have a Valentine. Gotta love single awareness day. I have been aware of the fact that I am single all my life. maybe if i sing my new song i learned i will get a valentine. :)

1,2,3 who's will it be
who will be my valentine 1,2,3
4,5,6 I'm in a fix
who will be my valentine 4,5,6
7,8,9 who's on the line
will you be my valentine 7,8,9

now did that attract any guys? we will have to see...and if you do want to be my valentine i just might sing that song for you. *wink *wink

I hope you will know that i am totally joking about this whole thing. but it would be nice to have a Valentine but I am in class all day on wed. well until 8:30pm-so i will not get to enjoy the day of love too much. :(--well have a nice day.-Manda Panda

the best part....

You know this morning i am sitting here cutting out little farm animal shapes for my visual aid for my lesson I am going to teach first and second graders. It occurred to me that it is so much fun doing this task. How many people can say that in college they get to cut and paste, and color and draw like you were in Elementary school again. And I think I am especially lucky because I get to sing songs like old McDonald, Itsy Bitsy spider, Wheels on the bus and if your happy and you know it, making children laugh and have fun.

Oh it is so fulfilling. I love being a Music Education Major...It really takes me back to when i am learning these songs and just make me happy once again. It is amazing what little thing can bring you such joy in your life.

Well I have been keeping very busy with school and life. I have been taking my tests to see if i have learning disabilities. I think all this testing has really started to make me sad and depressed. A lot of old suppressed feelings, that i have kept to my self all these years, of frustration, self put downs, loneliness has resurfaced. Lets just say that these tests are really making me feel stupid because I am not able to finish them and especially in the numerical test i had to take yesterday, I did not know the answers so i just guessed on them. I also started to fall asleep during one of them. That is what happens when I have to read a lot with out my new little blueish gray overlays. It is very stressful and scary for me to find out if I do have any learning disabilities because right now I fell like I have missed out on so much and I have to relearn everything over again. but I can stop being so hard on my self for not being able to to the work like I am suppose to be doing and get help. I just feel like I am always behind in school and I can never catch up let alone be ahead of the game. I feel dumb when I have to read out loud because it takes me forever to pronounce words and comprehend them. I will read something and have no clue what the meaning is of what i just read. It takes me twice as much time to get anything accomplished and I am just sick of it. I am just confused and feel very helpless and dumb most of the time. Especially when I am in a class full of smart people and they just start going off on the subject and I am left in the dust still trying to figure out what 2+2 is. it is frustrating and it has been that way all my life. My teacher would say that I am lazy or i will get it eventually. They would pass me because I was a good kid even though I could not do my multiplications or division, spell words, read very well, or could not comprehend what I read. It is really sad. I got good at observing people and what they said so that I can learn what the assignment was. I remember faking that I was reading the books in Elementary, Middle and part of High school. I think I really started to read entire books when I was in 11th grade. that is really pathetic. To be honest I still suck at spelling, don't know how to do simple math like multiplication or division. These basics I am lacking have made it really difficult to be successful in life let alone in college. I keep getting the stress from my teachers that I better start to kick up my level of work because "I am going to be a teacher after all." which is true but it is hard to run a marathon when you can not even walk yet. Right now I feel like I am still at the still stumbling over and falling down stage when I should be at the training to run the marathon. If that makes any sense.

Last week I told my cello teacher that I was getting tested for learning disabilities and I told her about the Scotopic thing. she told me "that would explains why your school work is at the level that it is at." That is sad that she has noticed something like that when she has not really seen my school work, but yet she had not even talked to me about it. I do not know. well i better study some more for my test in my Humans and other Animals class--I wish i did not have to re-take that class over again. pray that I do better on this test than last semester.~Manda Panda

Feb. 1

Hey happy Feb. 1st-

Well i have been very busy this week. I have not only been trying to catch up in all my school work but also I have been playing a lot on my cello due to them 3 hour dress rehearsals for the opera Aida. it is going to be good if you like opera. I am not to partial to the high singing. it hurts my ears, especially if they are right behind me belting out them high notes. Yikes!

I am now doing concert orchestra. I am playing the Viola. It is quite challenging but very fun. it is funny my friend Chue who plays the viola is playing the cello in concert and i the cellist am playing the viola. It is fun.

I did get screened for Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome this week. If you are wondering what that is. well Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome is "based on the theory that certain wavelengths of light interfere with the visual pathways between the eye and the brain."
"Light sensitivity and contrast problems. People with strong symptoms of the syndrome find it very difficult to read black text on white paper, particularly when the paper is slightly shiny.
Restricted field of clear vision
Poor depth perception
Attention and concentration difficulties
Context blindness and poor object recognition
Seeing the part and losing the whole " http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotopic_Sensitivity_Syndrome

It is still a new kind of thing, but I took a test and i will have to continue testing for it but for now the learning center people gave me some blue-gray and gray overlays to put over my papers. I am actually really impressed at how much they help me read. I have cut my reading time in half and I actually understand what I am reading. It is so exciting to be actually learning things and being able to get through my homework. I still have to get tested to see if i have other learning disabilities but it is a start. Now if only my music could have these overlays on it. Maybe I would be able to play the music better. *grin*

Other than that nothing much has been going on. have a nice day and try to come see the opera.


"Aida
Magnificent pageantry is coupled with intrigue in Verdi’s fabulous masterpiece. The CSU Opera Theatre, Symphony, and Choruses join forces with Opera Fort Collins and members of the Fort Collins Symphony to present the finest in concert opera. This citywide performing arts collective is now a tradition following the success of productions of Carmen in 2004 and Flying Dutchman in 2006. With this collaboration, they tell the story of Aida, an Ethiopian princess, who is captured and brought into slavery in Egypt. A military commander, Radames, struggles to choose between his love for her and his loyalty to the Pharaoh.

February 2, 3 - 7:30 p.m. - University Center for the Arts, Griffin Concert Hall, 1400 Remington St.
$20/Students, $30/Seniors, $40/General Public
Tickets available only through the Lincoln Center Box Office at www.fcgov.com/lctix" http://sota.colostate.edu/about/press/spring07/EventInfoOpera.pdf

Chau chau-Manda Panda